warm me up and breathe me

I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending everything is ok when it’s not. I can’t keep living with this feeling of complete emptiness. I can’t keep living with all this self-hatred and self-loathing. I can’t keep living with this loneliness. I can’t keep living with this pain. To be honest I really don’t want to keep living at all.

I know tonight is going to be another one of those nights. A night when I get no sleep at all and I lie awake counting all the pills I have in my cabinet and contemplate whether or not I have enough to end everything. But that in itself is the problem, because i’m always afraid that I won’t have enough. I’m not afraid of dying, i’m really not. All the pain both physical and emotional it is all just gotten far too much and this is the only way I know how to make it stop. But i’m always afraid, not of dying, but of what will happen if my attempt doesn’t work. All I want is to go to sleep and never wake up but my fear of failure is what stops from ever taking anything. I’d hate to fail and have to go on living because I really cannot cope with life anymore.

I never sleep anymore. I never get rest and I feel so much pain that I can’t even describe it. The emptiness inside of me is soul-destroying and often it feels like its eating me alive. I am just empty and everyday it just feels like i’m going through the motions and everything hurts and nothing brings any comfort. It’s like i’m just existing, not living. And alongside that I have my constant fear and self-loathing and self-hatred. My insecurities really could eat me alive and right now it is like my mind overthink’s everything so much it feels like I am going to explode. I feel like I am not explaining myself very well and most of you are probably thinking i’m complaining about nothing. But I don’t know how to explain it, it’s like living just hurts. Everyday I constantly feel like I am on the verge of tears and everyday I cry at least twice a day and everyday I just want to crawl under the covers and stay there. Not talk to anyone, not see anyone , because my life has got to that point that even talking to other people causes me so much pain.

I have been diagnosed with depression and that is probably why none of this is making any sense. Cause it is so hard to explain how I feel but for those of you who have suffered with this illness i’m sure you will understand. My depression has only gotten worse over the past two weeks since I have come back to my parents house for the summer. As i’ve mentioned before my father is an incredibly abuse man and is physical violent towards my mum and emotionally abusive to me and my siblings. And at the moment he is unemployed and because he’s pissed because of that his anger towards us is even worse than normal. Most the time i have learnt to deal with his out hurts and his hatred. But right now I really can’t deal with it. He has absolutely no idea about my depression or how I’ve been feeling and I would never want to tell him because one of his abuse techniques would always be to scream at me about how ’ fucking weird and not normal i was… how much of a fucking freak i was … how fucking obsessed i was with shitty tv’s shows and that there was something wrong with me and I should go and live in the fucking loony bin cause I was fucking insane’. I know that may not sound like much, but spending an entire lifetime being told by your own father, someone who should love you no matter what, that he thinks you are insane and obsessive and a freak, it really starts to dent your self confidence. He truly made me believe that there was something wrong with me. And I have spent an entire lifetime feeling like I would never be good enough for anyone cause i’m not even good enough for my own father. And what makes me feel even worse now is that he used to scream at me about how much there was something wrong with me and that I needed to go and live in the ‘loony bin’ and okay I haven’t exactly done that but I am going to counselling and every time I go to counselling I remember what he said and it makes me feel so ashamed, cause I guess he was right there was something wrong with my after all.

I guess I just don’t deserve to be here.

He has made me feel so ashamed and disgusted by my depression and of myself. My dad is also a giant homophobe and since i’ve been home I have had to listen to him, several times, make disgusting jokes about gay people or talk about how wrong it is to be gay. And every time he does I take myself up to my room and cry because he doesn’t realise I am one of the people he is hating on. And that is why I could never tell him. That is why i could never be honest with everyone. I should have known from the moment I told my supposed best friend and she walked away from me  that my life was going to be painful from that moment forward. And okay after a year I finally plucked up the courage to tell another friend that I was gay and she has been wonderful about it. But that doesn’t mean i’m still not afraid of loosing her, of loosing other friends of loosing my family.And like I said its wonderful that one of my friends was so accepting but no matter how hard I try I can’t forget what my supposed best friend did . Not only did she stop talking to me and treated me dreadfully after I came out to her. But she also pretty much told me that she couldn’t  be friends with me anymore in case I came on to her. And she was repulsed by the fact she had shared a bed with me. I have never told anyone that and just writing it down has made me start crying. But that is the reason I am so afraid and that is the reason I am absolutely ashamed of who I am. And having those words constantly in my mind, and now the homophobic words of my father. It’s just destroying me. I hate knowing that their is something wrong with me. And keeping these secrets it’s destroying me. I can’t live like this anymore, but I have to, cause I know there is no way I could ever come out to my parents, I could never bring a girlfriend home. I can’t talk about a girl I like and I can never tell them about the girl who made me realise who I was, the girl who , a few years ago made my life so magical and I can never talk to my family about how much it hurts not to have her in my life anymore. Thanks to my father I can never be me .  So I don’t see the point in life at all .

Like I said I could never come out to my parents or bring a girl home (i’m terrified of what my father would do to me and her) and if I can’t live my life as who I am. What is the point in living at all. And like I said I hate being made to feel like there is something wrong with me. But today not only did my father tell me several to      ’ shut the fuck up cause your getting on my fucking tits’ but he also called me an ’ incompetent fucking shit’ (and variations to that effect) and that hurt more than he will ever know. I think one of the reasons his homophobia is effecting me so much is because I have already spent a whole lifetime being ridiculed by people (including him) for being disabled the idea that there is now something wrong with me because of who I like, it’s literally killing me. I feel like I have bored you enough by now but as many of you know my health is deteriorating rapidly over the past few months to the point where some days I cant even walk anymore, some days i cant even stand anymore and have to resort to crawling in order to get around. Today was one of those days and I hate these days for so many reasons, but most of all cause they are so god damn painful and fucking humiliating. Having to crawl on the floor like a baby…. there are no words to describe how much that hurts. And well I tried to just get on with things I tried to stand and i tried to walk… but I just couldn’t. It just hurt SO much. And then I was called a fucking incompetent shit by my father, while I sat there hardly able to move…..

It all just hurts so much. The physical pain, the emotional pain, the shame and the disgust. I hate myself so much and my father just makes that feeling a million times worse. I can’t do this anymore I just want it to stop.

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whatafuckinfamilypicture:

I wonder what it is like to be one of those people who actually do something with their lives

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alexinthetardis:

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sebmoran:

i’d like to thank tumblr

for being able to bring up tags i used once, a year ago, and haven’t even glanced at since

and never keeping the tags i use every FUCKING DAY

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